GATES: Marital success among hugely successful professionals, managers and entrepreneurs. As the terrible revelation of the marital storms of Bill and Melinda Gates emerges, we must all be reminded of the essential ingredients that guarantee successful relationships among leaders and successful individuals. Lessons learnt from the 73-year royal marriage confirms some universal truth about marital bliss, it is an interplay of Perception; Priorities; Perspective; Persuasion, Personality, Partnership and Passion.
By Professor Chris Imafidon – According to the American legend, Maya Angelou, “Love recognises no barriers, it jumps hurdles, leaps fences, penetrates walls to arrive at its destination, full of hope.” Ms Angelou’s advice has to be understood by all because love, is the foundation of every relationship. However, the intensity of such love can be difficult to sustain particularly with changing times and evolving priorities. There is a direct conflict of interest generated by limited time. The first consideration in any relationship has to be commonality of interest or generating intersectionality if relationships are to be sustained.
After seeing the court divorce papers filed by Catholic school educated Melinda Ann French-Gates, DBE, a heavy cloud of sadness enveloped me. How can a 27-year charity, project of marriage that produced three wonderful children end in a storm via a social media tweet? The unbelievable reason was “no longer believe [they] can grow together as a couple.” That belief system that was strong enough to build the world’s largest charitable institution – Bill and Melinda Gates foundation cannot just disappear. If one can save the world, surely one can save their home? Or doesn’t charity begin at home anymore? Or can someone text me Hilary Clinton’s telephone number, she has seen turbulence too? Or why can’t the world that they have been trying to help come to their rescue?
While waiting for more facts to emerge, sadly, most successful people are time poor, particularly if they do not understand practical delegation. The average leader is unschooled in teamwork. So, most successful individuals are focussed entrepreneurs and professionals. Focus consumes time. Since, time is money, and time is precious, our personal life, particularly family life becomes easy prey.
FIGURES
Received wisdom states that around 50% of marriages end in divorce and many people believe divorce rates have increased in recent years. In fact, divorce rates are at their lowest levels in over 40 years and seems to be falling. But in successful professionals, managers and entrepreneurs, divorce or separation are at least twice as many as the rest of the population. This over representation has its roots in well-observed patterns of behaviour.
Pressure of time, travel and other activities has been indicted as culprits in breakdowns. Societal expectations and family history do influence divorces and separation statistics.
An extremely successful protégé once asked the business mentor if there was any line between her professional life and personal life? The result came back, “of course not, where do you draw the line?” The working hours was always known, that was in an era gone past. Long before computerisation and modern working patterns. But this is no longer true. It takes different strokes to rule the world. The integration of working hours with more personal activities or task, may be fine for some individuals but spell failure for others depending on the perceptions.
FACTS – Often hidden
Today’s demands and the need to be successful, means that we live in a 24×7 world. It therefore follows that YOU have to respond to every text message or email, or do x, y, z NOW, without waiting for the next “working day” There are no working hours. We now live in a work-on-demand. The talk is more on work-life balance, which when translated really means reprioritization of personal relationships.
The keys to any successful relationship include: Perception; Priorities; Perspective; Persuasion, Personality, Partnership and Passion
PERCEPTION
This includes the understanding and behaviour altering beliefs. This is particularly true if each partner understands their belief that we are all humans. So, to “err is human, but to forgive is divine”. This is perhaps the most basic of all relationships. We know that sooner than later the other person’s actions or words will upset the other. This may well be accidental, or totally unintentional but it is bound to happen and the consequences can be deep. This is the leading cause of separation among many honest but ill-informed professionals. The late HRH Prince Philip calls this “tolerance”
PRIORITIES
Priorities evolve over time. The challenges vary depending on the four seasons of relationships. In terms of climatic seasons, this is very obvious. For example, during the freezing cold, dark and short winter days’ needs are radically different compared with the hot sunny and long days. Spring and autumn are totally different. The media asked me regarding a royal wedding recently, I tried in vain to differentiate between the challenges of being a husband and wife with the future realities of being a mother and father. Once a baby arrives, and you are given the mantle of motherhood, then you have a new “boss” called baby. The baby decides when you wake-up or go to bed. The baby decides what clothes you wear. The baby decides whether you can go to work and may even employ a stranger called a nanny. Most people are ill-prepared for this major life-changing event. Ask any first-time mother for the reality of transition from wife to mother.
PERSPECTIVE – unlike seasons, perspective is everything. Do you see the cup half full, or half empty? The same condition can be seen as an opportunity or a real threat depending on our individual angle. Understanding this principle has saved many relationships. Even with identical twins, their views can be very different. So, getting a trusted independent view on any contentious issues clears the air rapidly.
PERSONALITY (DELEGATION)
This is a very old concept that is applicable to current or future challenges. However, every busy person is almost always deluded into thinking that they are the best for tasks that can be automated. As a person who was raised by parents with opposing views on this issue, I marvel at individuals that believe in doing all things. We must all know that this is a skill needed by all. Every relationship must acknowledge that the role and responsibilities will increase with time. This happens at personal and professional levels. This is best addressed by emergencies. When things are out of your normal control, you suddenly discover that somebody else can assist or sometimes do better. Formal education is responsible for some of this struggle with delegation, or division of labour. Your company can be a 24×7 organisation, but nobody says that you have to be on duty 24x7x365. Entrepreneurship is different from slavery. The ability to let go and let others try is the real difference between a leader and others.
PARTNERSHIP (TEAMWORK)
If you have never played football, or soccer, or similar team sport as a teenager, this subject can be very academic, or difficult to grasp. At every opportunity, I have campaigned for the need for this single most important skill in relationship success. I do not understand why humans think that there is any difference between team sport and partnership or relationship. The commonality of interest and the communal success is best captured in inter-house competitions. The alternative to team sport is playing in an orchestral or musical group. This subtle skill has been demonstrated in every major study on long-term success in relationship. “How can two work together except they agree?” My Religious Studies teacher asked this question every time he wanted us to form groups. But this is beyond religion. It is the pillar of all dynamic relationships. A practical exercise that I have given quarrelling couples is playing a mixed double tennis match. At the end fifty percent of all major differences are resolved without any discussion. Each player covers the weaknesses of their partner. This is a human instinct in competition. Life is a competition. Life is war against defeat. Life is a team sport. It’s not about faultfinding or show of individual perfection in a particular area of life.
PASSION
To most people, passion is love, passion is charity. Our ability to understand that ‘LOVE covers a multitude of SINS’ pulls every relationship through the dark days until dawn. There will always be sins, the question is … who is strong enough to cover it with love. We are all imperfect. We are fallible, that is what defines us.
Professor Chris Imafidon, is a multi-Guinness World record holder; world renowned adviser to monarchs, governments, presidents and corporate leaders; Mentor to New York Times Bestellers and a Sunday Times Op-ed author. [Twitter @ChrisImafidon; Instagram @CoImafidon; Facebook/Linkedln –Professor Chris Imafidon]
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